“this is the recipe of life said my mother as she held me in her arms as I wept. Think of those flowers you plant in the garden each year. They will teach you that people too must wilt, fall, root, rise, in order to bloom” – rupi kaur
I haven’t talked much about this here. In fact, I haven’t shared much about this at all. Maybe a few snippets sprinkled here and there in the captions on instagram. But nothing that had much depth to it. Just a few sentences, maybe, hinting at the fact that we are raising one very precious, ‘wild flower’. I know we aren’t alone in this. I know there are thousands of parents/caregivers out there that are parenting, dancing too, in the tall grasses, as they raise up their spirited child. We just so happen to be one of them.
Most people would consider her “difficult”. We’ve been told this by many. We can even read it on the faces of the people we love and that love her. Providers, too, that would come to our home to watch and take care of our girls while Aaron and I were away at work, would often say, “it was another challenging day”. And what often followed in moments like this looked a lot like–hurt. lost. confused. exhaustion. defeated. heart aching to the very core. tears. It went on like this for a long time despite our greatest efforts to set her up for success. We’d still fail. She’d still crumble. And so would we.
She is a fierce little girl that has a lot of passion and drive but has a hard time controlling those things after a certain point. She is smart. Incredibly smart. She is hilarious and witty and such a charmer. She is thoughtful and sweet, never not thinking about her sisters or those she loves. She is well liked. Organized beyond her years. Loves to have control. Gentle. She’s a girl that knows what she wants and what she likes. She’s focused. In fact, you get to know her well enough, you can literally see the map she paints in her head of how she wants her day to go and/or look like. Because of these things she can cry and scream uncontrollably when overwhelmed or when there is a shift in routine or loss of control. She can have meltdowns, on the daily, that can very much look like Armageddon. Because, yes, to her, the world is crashing down.
I practiced as a family therapist for 14 years–while this makes me no expert whatsoever– this was familiar territory for me. I helped many children and families, just like what we were experiencing at home, over the course of my study and practice. But it’s SO different when it’s your own. The game changes. Dynamics shift. Things become personal. That’s obvious. And suddenly you’re faced with a simple but yet very complicated question, “what do we do?” (insert ‘deer in headlights’).
It’s going to be two years this summer, when we decided together as a family that I take a leave from my career to stay home with my girls. While this decision didn’t come easy. It was something we felt our family needed at the time in effort to bring greater balance and structure and rhythm into the home. Has it helped? Sure it has. Has it made such a difference that it could have been done without taking the risk and stepping away from my career? Of course. Anything is possible. So why did we decide to do it this way? Because it was our answer at the time. If we could go back and make the decision again would we decide the same? Absolutely. Why? Because this is the recipe our family needs. Because for us, having a spirited little one means we take things slower. It means we stick to schedules and routines and say no to playdates if that makes our week is less busy. It means we keep to a specific diet and wear certain clothing and do certain rituals because it brings comfort and security. It means less crowds and more quiet space. She is not a burden or a problem child. We cannot wave a magic wand to take it all away. We wouldn’t even want to. It is very much a part of her and as parents do, you fight like hell for them and with them and teach them how to use the light within themselves. When she falls, we’re there to catch her. To hug her. To hold her so that she can cast off her chaos and turn it into quiet. We’re there to take the ragging war of those dark moments and turn it into a field of wild flowers. Because that is how she rises. That is how she blooms.
No one said it was going to be easy. No one said parenting was all about sunshine and rainbows and happy faces all of the time. We know the journey was made to be wild and crazy and chaotic BUT so freaking beautiful too. Our little ‘wild flower’ has taught us more about this and life in general these past four years, especially the past two, than in mine and Aaron’s lifetime combined. Is that even possible? I don’t even know. All I can say is she has been the best damn teacher I have ever had. She continues to teach me most and I will continue to learn from her, offer grace, and be her rock. I understand her wild.
I decided to share and open up about this a bit more because I have learned along the way that it helps. I have also learned a few things about what works and what doesn’t. If you too, have a wild flower in your life, these resources below have been really helpful for us. Her and I have also come up with a chart that is helpful for us to keep track of the good days and guide us to the things that sprung challenge and hard moments. If this is something of interest to you, please leave a comment below and I’ll work on putting together a PDF for ya!
– Simplicity Parenting by Kim Jon Payne : I love LOVE this book. It has been so helpful in many ways and is a resource I refer to often.
– The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N. Aron
– No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel
– You Can’t Make Me by Cynthia Tobias
beautiful images by the lovely Angela Rose Gonzalez
Lauren Evans says
This was just so beautiful. I have two precious wildflowers and have found GREAT comfort in both The Highly Sensitive Child, and Simplicity Parenting. Rhythm, structure, gentle parenting, and slow unhurried days have too been our lifeline. Would love to read anything you put together :).
kari says
Our lifeline too and thank you for sharing this resource with me! xx – kari
Carrie Brigman says
Oh how I love this. It resonates with me and encouraged me. Thank you. I’ve read the first two books…the other two are now on my list. Can I recommend another…The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle…it has been so helpful to me with all my children, not just my wildflower.❤️
kari says
Thank you for the recommendation. I will check it out!